Soundtrack for this piece-
“Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn’t have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there’d never be a past”
“Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don’t feel misplaced
It’s so much simpler than change”
Well fuck me…please? I am sure it would be ever so much more pleasant than how the universe is fucking me currently. I need new pants- all of mine are beyond the saving grace of an extra notched belt- or even some stylish suspenders. Going to the gym 6 days out of 8 has attributed to a more trim middle and broader shoulders. I feel like an odd upside down triangle.
Does anyone else listen to the same song on repeat for fifteen hours just to maintain the emotional regularity that it brings- No..? Ok then.
I think a trip to goodwill is in order. I do not personally care for the company in general but I am broke and need pants. Ideal pair would be black skinny jeans with perhaps a tear. I am anxious- the idea of these new pants is making me nervous. I know that being in such upheaval over pants is uncommon. I am uncommon…and uncomfortable.
I have been self harm free for 5 years-this means I have not cut or burned myself. I must admit that I pick at my skin- pull hairs out- and pop imaginary blemishes. I like to pick the skin on my lips-it is the most rewarding. It reminds me of passionate unhinged sex where your partner digs their teeth into your bottom lip while they shake at their peak and you breathe each other’s breath.
The reason for picking is anxiety- I am aware it is classified as harm- I am not going to actively acknowledge that. I will continue and not face it. I must have a release outside of compulsive pleasure seeking.
Black semi-skinny jeans with rips in them- masculine enough to hold me together while androgynous enough to release my internal seams.
I have been lucky enough in my life to experience every type of labeled sex- Hetero(female/male), lesbian, Hetero (male/female), and gay. Unfortunate in my life- one is calling me and fucking up my entire plan. They wear a pair of black ripped skinny jeans.
So in regards to the need for new pants- fuck what they are-represent-and hold against and for me in my future.